12 Angry Comments

11 Bitchy emails

10 Snarky post-its

9 Sappy Moments

8 Minutes of Normality

7 Ignored Phone Calls

6 Cute Puppy Commercials

5 CRYING JAGGGSSSS

4 Hot baths

3 Hours folding laundry - angrily

2 Flying Curses

1 and a pint of Chocalate Ice Cream..... 

The pregnancy hormones have me in their clutches.  I was ready to move my self into a yurt in my yard and burn down my office place yesterday...by yesterday evening I was crying over the Charmin Puppy. The joys of pregnancy eh?

In an attempt to calm me down my husband suggested I write down all the problems that I see and 5 steps to solve them. (i.e. The Dogs are always tearing stuff up and I can't take it...solution 1) clean an area of the house to "dog friendly status" 2) get the dogs used to the area by playing and feeding them there 3) let them start spending time alone in the space 4) Move their kennels into the space and let them sleep their overnight 4) let them spend a day in that area while we're at work and provide them enough of their own toys to keep busy)

My first several attempts at the list looked more like a hit list

"Problem: Dogs are eating stuff...solution...Kill dogs or give away" "Problem: 12 year old boy keeps bringing gross nasty things into the room and letting them get over everything...Solution...make him sleep in the now vacated dog kennel"

After a few attempts I felt i'd vetted my anger and I was actually able to approach the project respectfully.

So last night we sat down and looked at my list and marked off some of my projects and discussed others. I'm feeling better about things. I'm less concerned that we'll have a baby sleeping in the drawer of a TV stand now....sort of. 

In the mean time, my belly and I are off to seek chocolate. 

Well, we're officially on baby-watch.  My TOM should have begun yesterday - and i'm about as regular a girl as there is - and as of 3:00pm today no trace at all.

I'm torn over whether to take a test or not - I don't want the disappointment of a negative result (I think just starting menses would somehow be less depressing than the big negative on the test) but would like to know now if I was pregnant. *sigh* Very conflicting.

On the other side...if I'm not pregnant, then I have a bad bout of the flu and am forcing myself to stay at work for no reason - so probably knowing would be better.   I am just too wishy-washy for my own good.

Cross yer fingers for us. 

I'm having one of those days where I just can't seem to commit my whole attention to anything. We formally announced our plans to do the Women's Spiritual Sabbatical. No responses yet (okay, so T emailed it out at like 7:00pm lat night) and I'm worried someone will start the old "why can't men come" argument back up.

There's also the fact that this little project is so very different than what we've done in the past - i'm concerned people won't to be on the steering committee. After all, before we've always handled everything and people just showed up, Now we're asking people to commit to helping with food, facilitation, etc. etc. As excited as I am about the project, I also worry it'll just blow up in our faces.

*sigh* I'm not even calm enough to finish a whole blog. I'll try again later.

I spent another night gardening.  We had 50 strawberry plants show up at our house late Tuesday night - along with my Asparagus and Rhubarb.  I bought a little time by soaking the plants but knew I needed to get them in the ground.  So Wed night I tilled and hoed my bed until dark....then I pulled my vehicle up next to the bed, turned on the headlights, and got my baby plants in the ground.

I am summarily proud of myself for actually following through and getting all my plants down rather than putting it off to the weekend and running the risk of all my plants dying (i've been trying to garden for years).  The boys have agreed to help me mulch the beds down over the weekend and my dog has been doing his part by agreeing not to mark my plants.

I still have soil under my fingernails, and my sneakers have seen better days, but digging in the dirt just makes me so much happier :)

Shortly following my full moon ritual last week, I decided that I needed to start more seriously working with my ancestor spirits and try harder to find out about my foremothers.  Toward this end I bedded down one night with my drumming CD, determined to remember my grandmothers.

As meditations and vision quests go, it wasn't fabulous. There was no dark tunnel with flashing white lights...no talking animals, no messages from spirit....as such. I was in the woods, where most of my visions start (despite my trying very hard to start out in a cave or tree trunk or what have you - just like i've been told to do) and was walking with a number of short, fairly dark skinned somewhat-native looking women. It was a dense, and slightly mossy smelling environment. We walked a very short away and I found myself being dropped into a rather deep dirt hole. These women - my family and foremothers - were leaving me unclothed in a muddy pit and walking away...and I was fine with it.  I felt the mud on my skin, saw their heads move away from the opening of the pit, saw the light fading for the day, and felt fine.

In the way of dreams and visions, I knew I wasn't being abandoned, I was just being left to be alone. I could smell the thick heavy scent of freshly turned earth, could feel the moist somewhat gritty dirt on my skin, and could feel the Earth Goddess all around me.  I fell asleep - both in vision and in real life.

I didn't think too much of this dream until the next morning when quite out of nowhere I suddenly remembered my mother telling me that the churches had got it all wrong, that the word Hell (Hel) had orignally been a hole where you buried potatoes - like a root celler.  Suddenly an immense sense of understanding and relief washed over me.  I was literally in Hel...but for anyone who felt comfortable with Mother, who enjoyed the peace from being alone in nature, it was a pleasure.

To people who aren't comfortable with themselves, who don't want to commune or look themselves in the mirror - this would be miserable - it would be Hell - and it would be something to be avoided.  I understood where the confusion was, the dogma, and the worry; and I was suddenly able to let it all go.

With this realizaition in mind - last night I gardened in the dark, with just a small lantern and the light from the waning moon. I played in the dirt, sang to myself, and fiddled with grubs (who i'm normally disgusted by). I played in the mud for nearly 2 hours.  My brave Labrador sat nearby barking at every cat and squirrel who dared to intrude upon our private time and snuffled at the fluffy peat as I scooped it into the wheelbarrow. My family thinks I'm thoroughly insance and they may be right - but it was a wonderful night.

I fully intend to keep up this insanity. I've been cut off from the earth for far far too long and am as giddy as a baby to be back.